Ok, rant time. Here we go.

We've all heard it a hundred times before we know what it means. Almost everyone can tell you what it is the police are supposed to say to you when they arrest you. It's on every cop show every made:

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you at state expense.

See? Told you you'd heard it before. There's nobody in this country that isn't familiar with those words.

So why the FUCK don't people ever exercise those rights? Not even kidding. We all know what our rights are, but in any given encounter with the police, noone ever seems to exercise those rights. I mean, I know most people in a police encounter are kinda stupid to begin with, but come on, people. The cops are required to tell you this stuff for a reason. Let's go through it piece by piece.

1. You have the right to remain silent

This is a fucking hint. In a country with "freedom of speech" as a major theme, it would seem strange to have the right to remain silent. The fact that the cops must tell you that this "is" a right means something. When someone tells you that you have the right to remain silet, shut your fucking mouth. The cops are even kind enough to tell you why:

2. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law

You think the cops are kidding when they say this? You think these are just words? FUCK NO! There's a reason the Supreme Court has to force officers to say them. They are your defense. Nine times out of ten the state couldn't prove the case, except for the fact that some dumb son of a bitch thought he was doing the right thing by talking to the cops. I've seen this from both sides of the coin; when I was prosecuting, the cops were artists, fucking geniuses, at getting you to believe that it was in your interest to talk to them.

It's not. You're not going to get a better deal by talking, you're not getting off the hook, noone gets a free pass. Understand that the detective you are talking to is paid by the state to put your ass in jail. He's going to do it if he gets enough evidence. He might have that evidence already, he might not. He's going to tell you he does, and that the only way you can help yourself is to tell him the truth; this is bullshit. He is allowed to and even encouraged to lie to your ass to get a confession out of you. Your only protection against this man whose art it is to get you to hang yourself is the right to remain silent, so fucking use it.

3. You have the right to an attorney.

OK; here's another hint. The one thing that would really help you when you're under suspicion for a crime would be a lawyer. You know, a guy to protect you from the system. And look! You have the right to it!

Most common question asked by a suspect at this point in the spiel: Do I need one?

That's right. These retards actually ask the detective whether or not they need an attorney. People, understand that the detective has been forced to read you these rights. If he had his way, he wouldn't even tell you you had the right to an attorney. He doesn't want you to get one; it makes his job (putting your ass in jail, remember) much harder if you lawyer up. So when you, like the defective thinker you are, ask the detective "Do I need an attorney?" what exactly are you expecting as a response?

No detective on the face of the earth has ever responded to that question by saying "Yes. You're under suspicion for a crime, and really need an attorney to protect you from me."

See, people don't want to hire an attorney, we're pricey and...oh wait

4. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you.

Now the detective can't even use the money issue to scare you away from the lawyer you need. So what do they do? They threaten you.

Suspect: "I want an attorney."

Detective: "Ok, that's your right and you can have an attorney. We're going to go ahead and charge you with (crime) and the court will decide whether to appoint you a public defender or not."

Suspect: "You're going to charge me?"

Detective: "Yes, I've got enough evidence to charge you with (crime). I was trying to do this informally, but you told me you wanted an attorney, so we'll have to go ahead and go by the book on this. You'll be held in the jail and we'll get you in front of the judge to decide whether or not to appoint you the public defender."

Suspect: "So if I keep talking to you, you won't charge me?"

Detective: "Well, we'll have to see"

Suspect: "Ok, nevermind, what was your question again?"

Notice how close the detective comes to lying in this, but doesn't. Here's a clue, folks: If the detective has enough evidence to charge you with a crime, the detective is going to charge you with a crime. That's his job. The detective dangles the easy out in front of the suspect, but this is nothing more than bait which contains an enormous fucking hook.

The lesson here is that when someone who is trying to throw you in jail is forced to give you some rights, you need to actually use those rights. You aren't going to talk your way out of a crime, you aren't some genius that can use your ninja-words to prove your innocence, and the detective is not on your side no matter how nice he might seem. When you hear those rights being read to you, they're a hint: Ask for an attorney, and then SHUT THE HELL UP. You'll be better off in the long run for it.